Maven Musing: Moving Slow

I know things have been extremely quiet around here lately. And for that, I am sorry. But during that silence, I have been doing some serious soul work that has made my perspective come into a sharp focus.
I’ve been moving much more slowly the last few weeks than I had realized. I don’t think it was a conscious choice, my body and spirit simply took the reins.

I had a shocking past life awakening in the midst of the eclipse and it triggered a bright, sudden awareness of my behavior. A deep rooted pain and fear that I have carried with me for as long as I can remember with no seeming reason.
I often operate from a space of frenzy and fear. Everything felt important and if I could not do it, I was failing. In all my soul work, I still have yet to overcome this deeply rooted issue. It’s exhausting and frustrating to see myself take a step forward and be drug two steps back.
I have spoken of the importance for solitude, silence, and slowing down before. But here I was revving up and running myself down.
Until one morning, I found myself laying in bed near tears thinking about having to get up. I had nothing else to give anyone, not even myself.  I felt a shift in me that something, anything, had to change. I felt as though I was drowning.
Where most everyone else seemed to be experiencing a wild upheaval of their external lives, all of my chaos remained internal. It was unseen, and therefore, I felt I could not explain it.  Without the physical evidence, it is always difficult to get others to believe your struggle.
So I’ve been hiding from everyone, whether they may have been aware of it or not. I demanded emotional space. I cleared away physical space in my home that I felt suffocated by.
It started a new trend where I left myself say no. I had a sudden recognition that I’m not racing anyone. Things will happen as I enact them. I do wield power and must control what I can and let the rest fall away.
But it has taken active work to do so. My passivity is what leads me into over commitment. I knew if I did not make myself nearly painfully present some days, I would slip back.
I’ve been practicing, and that resulted in holding you at arms length. I was not ready to share or push things along.  My own fears muddled things and I no longer feel called to do things just for the sake of saying I “did something”.
So I thank you for sticking around and checking in.  My Hermit days have brought me much clarity.
All my love,
Kat
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