Thanks to the gift of the internet, it is easier than ever for people to act as if they’re heavily invested in a certain interest.
While I try to believe that most people truly show all of themselves – it isn’t lost on me that most only try to show the “perfect” parts. Which is fair, who wants to share their pain with strangers?
The concept of “Authenticity” has been rolling around in my head all week. How do you communicate a soul shifting journey with strangers? Especially when you can barely conceptualize what it happening privately?
The fear and anxiety has been closing in on me.
I am not interesting.
Just stop trying.
What’s the point?
How dare you call yourself a witch.
How. Dare. You.
My anxiety has so many nice things to say. It’s just
I’m late this week because of those anxieties. It has been so long since I was in a situation where I felt unsure. Its rare that I step outside my comfort zone.
I’m a “throw caution to the wind in situations you can control” kind of woman. Always down for an adventure as long it doesn’t push the envelope too far. Always say “yes” if you can 100% back out.
I am afraid of people and spaces that I cannot control.
I’ve had a bit of a small-baby awakening this week addressing this exact problem of mine.
If you follow MM on instagram, you know that this past weekend we shared a booth with the always awesome Unicorn Collective* at the Denver Pagan Pride Festival.
I was making myself sick over the idea of having to share my writing and plans with complete strangers. I can barely talk about it with people I know love and support me.
But something happened while we were there.
I didn’t shut up all day.
We met people that practically jumped up and down at the idea of this whole thing.
I overcame my fear and anxiety because I stepped out of my comfort zone.
What a concept.
But even with that success, fear sat quietly in the back of my mind. It let me have my #bossbabe moment before it came swooping back in.
I still felt like a fake – a victim of “impostor syndrome”. I truly fear that my path comes off as insincere because I am so new to the craft. I have never pursued spirituality before – I just knew I wasn’t religious.
I’ve been avoiding writing about the emotional side of my journey.
I frequently avoid uncomfortable emotions until they bubble up and take over.
It is a terrible habit.
But there was a moment today (after wallowing in not knowing what to write) where I realized where I feel most in my power.
Thank you Universe for the wake up.
My power is in being a woman taking the reins and finding her way.
It is in fiercely supporting the people I care for and love.
I truly just want people to happy and healthy.
I can only hope that that is the energy that I put out in the universe.
And you can take that at face value or not. Either way, I will still send you love and hope you find the people you resonate with – the people that make you feel on fire, capable of anything and everything.
Spirituality and paganism for me is about rediscovering myself and reclaiming myself. It’s appreciating every moment and loving myself and falling in love with my husband every day.
So – this is a fair warning to all that I’m going to be sharing some unpleasant thoughts and experiences moving forward. I need to face and address them if I am going to grow.
Love & light, mavens.